My Own Course

I follow a lot of blogs and a lot of pages on facebook that deal with preemies, etc. I started it after Sebastian was born. I didn’t understand prematurity really. I mean I knew preemies like my cousins twins who were born at 24 weeks but I was around 16 when they were born. I never had a close relationship with her so I didn’t really understand. I babysat for a couple who had a preemie but again I was in my teens.
My sister had some friends who had three preemies. They lived in another state and I didn’t have a lot of contact with them.

So yeah prematurity was something I didn’t understand. I don’t know if you can truly understand until you have really close to someone or live it.

With Sebastian, even though he was in the NICU for only 3 weeks, I felt so much more emotional during his stay then Sam’s.

First baby, maybe that is why?
Up until the day my water broke, pregnancy was awesome, maybe that was why?

I don’t know.

With Sam’s stay, I was numb. I can count the amount of times I cried during Sam’s NICU stay on one hand.

He was in the NICU for 97 days. I should have cried more then that…

Well, I guess if you count the day I went into labor I guess I cried about 6 times.

During his stay which if you compared to other preemies, it was pretty smooth. It was long but fairly smooth. I felt bad when I would write about it. Now for some reason, close to a year later I feel worse about writing about it and what we are doing now. I mean it’s just therapies right, it’s just PT, OT w/sensory stuff, early intervention. It’s nothing major like some parents deal with.

I wish I could wrap my head about why I feel so bad about it. I guess I am paranoid that people like I am comparing our smooth stay, etc. to their more complicated journey.

I wish could stop myself because I feel like writing is my way of processing his birth and life to this point.

I was reading a post by Ain’t No Rollercoaster on facebook yesterday. She talked about parents having a course. I think I am on my course to dealing with things.

I know Dan is done I guess or just doesn’t want to bring up, talk about things, etc. It’s his course of dealing with the NICU stays.

I guess the more I think about it. I liken it to the miscarriages, I don’t dwell on them but they sure and then hell define who I was and who I am. These NICU stays and kids journey now, has even more so defined who I was becoming. I don’t dwell on them being preemies and all but they arrival changed me in a lot of ways.

I am on my course of dealing with it, getting the emotion of it all out and that has been building up since he was born, etc..

This post probably makes no sense to anyone but me and my little noggin.

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One thought on “My Own Course

  1. Pingback: Life In & Out of the NICU - Page 8

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