To Worry or Not to Worry….and how I am struggling to remain as positive as possible

One thing I have always failed it is patience with medical issues. I suppose it’s due to the incident with my leg back when I was 15. Months of going to doctors with most telling my parents nothing was wrong. Then finally we get told yes there is something wrong. Then ending up in the hospital for 3 months and countless surgeries later my leg issue was sort of finished but yet still haunts me today as I have no feeling in the calf and I have scares to always remember it.

Now with children and one having some issues I fail ever worse then before.

I hate not knowing what exactly the *abnormal* means.

I want to google the heck of *smooth area* of the brain, lack of white matter in the brain, etc.

But I know better…

Or I try to know better.

Everyone keeps telling me to think positive. Oh course I want to think positive but I also don’t want to be blindsided by something I wouldn’t expect.

I hate that I always want to research and see the big picture of everything.

I am probably causing more stress to myself with that line of thinking but it’s how I think and I want the best for my son whatever the issue may be.

I don’t know where I am going with this post. I guess it’s more of a I need to get my thoughts out type of thing.

So with that being said, anyone who may possibly read this have knowledge on what if anything having a smooth part of your brain may mean, or what it means when fibers in the brain haven’t maleniated (sp? I have no idea if I am even spelling that right or what it means, the neonatologist said the word), or what a lack of white matter in your left frontal lobe means?

Shop for a Cause

Recently, Sebastian and I shared our story (along with Sam’s but he was sleeping) with the staff of Macy’s at the Burnsville Center.

I remembered how much I suck at public speaking , thankfully Sebastian is a ham and won the staff over.

Today we got the thank you cards to hand out.


I hoped we helped with sharing our story.

and just life

I have been neglectful of the internet for the most part, except facebook.

I know

I know

I have a love/hate thing with facebook. It’s the easiest thing for me to connect with people. Half the time it’s my super duper fast connection to the world while at work or my way of connecting at home. After I get off work I am usually in charge of the boys, so if I get a few minutes to myself it’s the quickest way to see what is going on in the world and what’s up with my friends/etc.

I miss having the time to write really. I have a lot of angst, depressed/down kind of things I want to write out and get out of my head, happy stuff I want to write about the boys, etc.

it’s just not there

Also I feel like Sebastian is a bit to aware now of the technology so I want to decrease the time I have my face in the computer or phone.

It’s hard being pretty much my only friends are online really.

I don’t know..

Except for the hubby and boys, life is rather meh lately. It was nice to get to some bellydancing though last weekend.

I need to figure out how to juggle work, boys and me too. In trying to give dan time after work, I think I really lose out. I know that probably sounds selfish but if everyone sleeps o.k. My only time is from 5:30am to 5:45am-6am. That’s it…

and usually I am dead tired to enjoy it.

I sit in silence and drink my coffee.


Preemie Mom issues?


So yesterday I went to a baby shower and realized I still have issues.

What I mean by that?

It’s hard to be around 5 pregnant women who are happy and having picture perfect pregnancies.
They are talking about life normally not bedrest, cerclages, etc.

I felt odd being there.

I know it’s nothing from them, just me and never getting that normal pregnancy, no babyshower, nothing…

and never going to have that normal.

It’s a hard pill to take even a year after Sam’s birth.

I know one day I will get there.

The Past Year

So we did it, Sammy is a year old today. It’s been one heck of a year.

I still struggle with things about his birth, etc but in the end the end we have come a long ways.

He has come along way and continues to do so.

I feel like I have grown a lot as a person, a parent, a mom, etc.

I am still growing…

(both kids are up so I need to write more later so till then a few links)