Season of Change?

I guess it’s a season of change around here in more ways then one. The leaves are turning, the wind is getting a bite to it and people are changing.

I guess I have been changing since August 27th, 2011 and it has been only getting more aggressive. Wit the changes though I still feel like I am the same ol me, just a little more rough around the edges but still possess the soft heart.

Sadly with life, people change and life goes about it’s way. Right now, I found out a rather close friend has changed or well maybe not changed but just had a light blub go off that now changed our course of friendship and in a way closed the door of us being close friends.

She has decided she feels sorry for me and can’t stand my husband.

Is he a perfect person? Hell no but he’s a good man and he’s not everyone’s cup of tea as lord knows I seem to be only a few people’s cup of tea with the rest of the world thinking I am an odd duck.

Is our marriage perfect? Hell no and right now we are at the peak of our fighting but we talk and move past it.

Is he a perfect father (she also thinks he is a horrible father)? No he is not as I am not a perfect mother but he is amazing to me. He stays at home with the boys and works his butt off. He cleans (I am so not domestic), he cooks like crazy and is damn good at it (I suck at cooking, I mean I screwed up making a cup of noodles! who does that??), etc.

He deserves so much more credit then he gets. People just need to give stay at home dads more credit in general (in my opinion).

Yes I take the boys to doctor appointments, therapy, etc. because well I am just a crazy mom who wants to be there and ask questions, etc. He like most people doesn’t care for doctors. While I take one to an appointment he usually stays home with the other. Trying to man a 25 month old and a 14 month old is not easy. Can it be done? Of course but at this point in time for all involved if we can just do one parent bring and the other parent stay home, it saves us all the stress and our sanity.

At the end of day, he and the boys are my happy people and place. Thinking of them gets me through my day.

He is my rock, my love and my life.

I get not liking someone but when you tell me you can’t stand my husband and your only reason really is you have an issue with his personality. I need to close the door on the friendship, namely after you have come to my house time after time acting like best buddies with him and taking care of my kids to give us a break. It’s hard to think how much I allowed myself to get close to a person who would be so fake about things.

I don’t know. I am just vomiting words on the screen now so I should close this entry out.

I just really baffled why someone would feel sorry for me and be a fake friend.

I have enough stress in my life, I just need a person who actually gives a flying leap about myself and my family. We are a package deal as much as said person said it doesn’t have to be like.

Sorry I am not going to sit by and know your acting friendly is fake and that you are telling yourself about how sorry you feel for me.

I am not a pity case.

My Own Course

I follow a lot of blogs and a lot of pages on facebook that deal with preemies, etc. I started it after Sebastian was born. I didn’t understand prematurity really. I mean I knew preemies like my cousins twins who were born at 24 weeks but I was around 16 when they were born. I never had a close relationship with her so I didn’t really understand. I babysat for a couple who had a preemie but again I was in my teens.
My sister had some friends who had three preemies. They lived in another state and I didn’t have a lot of contact with them.

So yeah prematurity was something I didn’t understand. I don’t know if you can truly understand until you have really close to someone or live it.

With Sebastian, even though he was in the NICU for only 3 weeks, I felt so much more emotional during his stay then Sam’s.

First baby, maybe that is why?
Up until the day my water broke, pregnancy was awesome, maybe that was why?

I don’t know.

With Sam’s stay, I was numb. I can count the amount of times I cried during Sam’s NICU stay on one hand.

He was in the NICU for 97 days. I should have cried more then that…

Well, I guess if you count the day I went into labor I guess I cried about 6 times.

During his stay which if you compared to other preemies, it was pretty smooth. It was long but fairly smooth. I felt bad when I would write about it. Now for some reason, close to a year later I feel worse about writing about it and what we are doing now. I mean it’s just therapies right, it’s just PT, OT w/sensory stuff, early intervention. It’s nothing major like some parents deal with.

I wish I could wrap my head about why I feel so bad about it. I guess I am paranoid that people like I am comparing our smooth stay, etc. to their more complicated journey.

I wish could stop myself because I feel like writing is my way of processing his birth and life to this point.

I was reading a post by Ain’t No Rollercoaster on facebook yesterday. She talked about parents having a course. I think I am on my course to dealing with things.

I know Dan is done I guess or just doesn’t want to bring up, talk about things, etc. It’s his course of dealing with the NICU stays.

I guess the more I think about it. I liken it to the miscarriages, I don’t dwell on them but they sure and then hell define who I was and who I am. These NICU stays and kids journey now, has even more so defined who I was becoming. I don’t dwell on them being preemies and all but they arrival changed me in a lot of ways.

I am on my course of dealing with it, getting the emotion of it all out and that has been building up since he was born, etc..

This post probably makes no sense to anyone but me and my little noggin.

Turning 37

So yesterday I turned 37. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact I am nearing 40 years old. I have an awesome husband and two great kids.

I am trying to focus on that.

I am not happy with myself though. I need to work on that.

So how does on celebrate turning 37?

Booze and friends?

Nope

Movies, hanging out most of the day in pjs, root beer floats, and family time.

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A letter to myself

Dear Nicky

You feel like you suck and are a failure. I mean you have a Masters Degree and you are just a lackey at a law firm. You have a BA degree and two associate degrees.

Are you using any of them?

No!

Hence the feeling like you are failure but you still have the drive to actually use them or hell get a PhD maybe or maybe go back to get a license in birth to 3 Education. I mean you are thinking about things you want to do and hope to do but due to circumstance can’t do at the moment.

Maybe in a year or so when life calms done and the boys are older school can happen. Who knows, just don’t give up.

You are trying to provide a happy life for those boys and they seem like happy guys.

Stop letting the crippling depressed feelings get to you.

You can see it’s affecting them along with the dear sweetie.

He seems to be battling his own depression type demons too.

You guys need to put your heads together and get through this.

It’s been a heck of a time since Sebastian being born but you know what you battled through his NICU stay, being on bedrest with Sam, Sam’s NICU stay, etc.

You don’t feel like you have the strength to do anything but curl up in and cry your eyes out but you do have the strength.

You need to just dig deep again. Dig deep like you did before and cry when you need to, talk when you need to, reach out, etc..

You can get through this.

Me

and have a happy birthday tomorrow god damit!

Doing my best

but still feeling like a failure.

My dearest baby boys,

Mommy is having a hard time of late and I am sorry if my emotions are effecting you.

Sebastian,I know you don’t understand why Mommy cries a lot lately. I try to keep the tears in though. Lately thought sweetie, I have been failing. The stress of everything is getting to be way to much for your Mommy.

Sammy Sam, I am glad you are to young to really understand what is going on. I know you can feel things are off though. Again I am sorry. I feel like I am failing.

I am trying so hard to balance, work, all the therapy appointments and figure out how to rob peter to pay paul with money.

You see boys, Mommy really wants to provide you guys with so much but can’t. We have less then 15.00 to our name till Mom’s next payday.

I feel like I fail you boys all the time now. I have how many degrees and can’t use any of them. I am in the same job so I can provide you guys decent medical insurance but can’t pay the bills to save our lives.

I want to give you guys the childhood I did not have and I am trying so hard and getting no where fast.

I am so sorry that Mommy has been so sad and depressed lately. I do try so hard to hide from you both. I want you guys to have happy childhoods.

we will get there eventually.

Please still love me even though I am failing at being a good happy mom to you guys lately

You guys really are the only things that keep me going (well along with your daddy). It’s so hard thought these days.

Mom