Prematurity: Dreams Shattered (and dreams achieved)

I had this grand idea of trying to write posts about prematurity for prematurity awareness month and upcoming day on Nov 17th.

How many have I done?

Only one and I am a bit mad at myself about that but life tends to get in the way of grand plans and ideas.

While reading another blog post about prematurity (thank you Urbanflowerpot), my brain started running amuck with something’s she posted about it.

My experience with prematurity is one of shattered dreams and one of dreams achieved. My previous post for this month talked about how I worried about miscarriages. I had gotten to a point in my mind that I wouldn’t become a mother, a dream I always had and something I thought I was meant to be.

I did become a mother finally, and I even did it twice! My body didn’t completely fail me like I was starting to believe would happen.

I achieved my dream.

However at the same time dreams were shattered during my first pregnancy that didn’t end in a loss.

There would be no getting really big and uncomfortable. I did make to the third trimester only a foot step into it.

Because we didn’t make it past 34 weeks and 1 day, there was no having my baby and then basking in the enjoyment of giving birth and holding my son while my husband was there too.

Rather I saw him for a few seconds before he was worked on in the back of the room and then sent off to the NICU with my husband following.

There would be no baby in my room with me.

Rather I would travel down to the 1st floor from the 4th floor and down a trail of hallways to visit him.

There would be no going home with him when I went home.

Rather for three weeks, we would travel to the visit him. We would learn to change diapers in isolettes. We be asked if we wanted to help with his cares. We would wait for word about going home but only after passing a car seat test.

Finally our dream was achieved of bringing our baby home.

Eventually I would learn that we were having another baby.

Many fears, emotions, etc welled up within me. I had fears of going full term, wondering what it would be like, etc. I was also so excited at the possibility.

To try and have that dream with baby #2 come to true. We had to go through a lot, shots, doctors visits to the point I felt like I should just move into the clinic, ultrasounds (no complaints actually about those, I could never complain about seeing the peanut so much), etc.

Crazy thing with baby #2, after suffering my miscarriages I wanted to experience morning sickness, just to know things were o.k. Oh lord, did I have it with this baby.

I was hopeful we were going to make it to term until that day, 21 weeks along, I was sent downtown filled with fear and worry.

Baby was fine but things got real with this pregnancy.

Bedrest

Cerclage

Little goals like make it to 24 weeks as if the hospital wouldn’t do anything before that

Hopefully make it to 30 weeks.

First dream met, we made it to 24 weeks!

Then at 26 weeks and 3 days, the make it to 30 weeks dream was shattered. However the dream of becoming a mother again was met.

The dream of seeing him at least for a moment was gone. I saw him in a quick moment as the doctor passed him to the scrubs huddled in the corners of the small room. I wouldn’t see him until 2am in the morning. That was the longest 3 hours of my life.

The dream of holding him wouldn’t be met for 3 weeks. I would be able lightly touch him through the little hold of his isolette.

The dream of my older son meeting his brother would take 97 days to be achieved (unless you count the day they saw each other through a window).

The dream of seeing my son along side of my husband would only happen a few times as we usually had to take turns seeing Sam while the other hung out with Sebastian in the family room.

There were still no going home with my baby.

There were be drives to and from the hospital. There was hopes we would get him a little closer to home which eventually happened.

As with our first son, we would learn to change diapers in isolettes. We be asked if we wanted to help with his cares. We would wait for word about going home but only after passing a car seat test. However with Sam, we wondered would he go home on oxygen as he battled that and how would we deal with oxygen, cats and a 1 year old.

After he was finally home and the family together, it was decided we were complete.

So now there will not be chance to maybe make it full term. I will always wonder what it is like and will always feel like an outsider among those I know were are pregnant/were pregnant and made it to that epic moment.

I will never really understand the idea of of someone saying a 7 pound baby is tiny.

In the end, I am happy my dreams of having children were achieved but crushed that my dreams of a complete pregnancy will never happen.

Prematurity is a dream crusher that is for sure.

Prematurity Awareness Month

This is just a quick post about my two sons who were born to early and prematurity awareness month. Sam and Baz are just two the thousands that are born too soon.

PicMonkey Collage

November is Prematurity Awareness Month and more specifically Nov 17th is World Prematurity Day.

So I am going to attempt to write some things through out the month about prematurity and whatnot.

Before having Sam and Baz early, I had some experience with preemies and prematurity but I was a teenager and really it didn’t get into my head to well.

I remember seeing my cousin’s twins who were born at 24 weeks and thinking wow, they are so small. I wasn’t to close to my cousin so I really didn’t think much of it. The twins are 18 now.

I babysat for a couple who had a baby around 26 weeks I think it was. He came home on monitors and they pretty much stopped needing myself and my sister as sitters. I was 16, it didn’t click in my head why exactly they didn’t need us to babysit anymore when Kendell came home.

I heard stories of my sister’s friend who had three preemies, 24 weeks, 27 weeks and 32 weeks but they were in a different state and again I wasn’t close to them so I didn’t really grasp everything.

Fast forward to when I was pregnant with Sebastian. I had previously had two miscarriages so that was my worry. What would I do if I suffered another miscarriage.

Preterm labor wasn’t even in my mind.

I had no clue what a NICU was.

I just didn’t want to suffer another miscarriage.

While I worried about the possibility of a miscarriage, as each week passed and more ultrasounds happened, hearing heartbeats, I became blissfully clueless and happy about a great pregnancy and my only grumble was the lack of coffee.

Then at 33 weeks and 5 days I started having crazy weird back pain. I did a kick count as told that day and rushed to the hospital being my kick count was 4 in an hour. After tests, the most painful exams I have ever had at the point and being on the monitor I was sent home and told all was fine.

At 34 weeks and 1 day my walk broke and 4 hours later my son was sent off the NICU.

My family was thrust into learning about prematurity.

Late term preemie

The longest 3 weeks of my life.

Then when I was pregnant with Sam, I had the same old worries about miscarriage but also the new worry about will we make it to term.

p17 shots were suppose to help that.

My body apparently just doesn’t like to be pregnant and preterm labor became my biggest concern.

Bedrest and a cerclage came at 21 weeks.

The pregnancy became scary as I didn’t want to do to much but I also struggling with doing nothing to help around the house, couldn’t take care of Baz, etc.

At 26 weeks the blood came.

At 26 weeks and 3 days Sam came.

My family was thrust into learning about having a micro preemie. It helped a tiny bit knowing about the NICU and certain things but a baby born at 26 weeks is a lot different then a baby born at 34 weeks.

15 months later I am still learning the ropes of having a 26 weeker.

I know some people who thought the world got back to normal after you left the NICU. It did to a point with Baz but now he’s receiving speech therapy.

With Sam, there was no normal really, it was the new normal. Ours has been busy and stressful but I know not as stressful and such of others.

After getting out of the NICU, he started EI, and then in April he started PT, and now he has more OT then just the OT through EI.

Prematurity and being a preemie parent is a life changing event. I mean having kids is life changing but prematurity takes it to a whole new level really.

I am no where near as good as a writer of many of the blogs I read. So for more information on preemies and other stories I would suggest checking out some. Preemies are pretty inspiring and show you have to take the little things to heart as they mean so much.

Been a bit MIA

i guess that’s not to out of the norm for this blog/journal being I tend to focus mostly on the boy’s journal and well truthfully I find writing about them a bit more interesting.

One of these days maybe I will condense the writing to here but I have always liked the idea of each of them having their place, their journal, their story being told separately.

Anyways I was sick for about a week and then just life gets busy.

Life, well make that my own little mind, got me down and depressed and I don’t want to be Miss Downer all the time. So I tried to step away from most social media really except Facebook because it’s just a habit.

I could have written about the following from life but opted not too…

I had to sell my camera to help make some ends meet. I still struggle with that…
I miss it and feel nekkid without it.

We had to put our 16 year old cat down earlier this week. I miss him badly namely days like today where nothing seems to be going right.

Crazy busy with the boys and their therapies.

I do have things I want to write about though. Namely Prematurity Awareness Month & Day. I haven’t decided if I am going to write that here or in Sam & Baz’s journals.

Well time to go do some writing in a paper journal.